| ghosting |
[19 Mar 2005|11:17pm] |
The rumors are true. Yes, we're back. Yes, I had a good time.
Yes, I was skewered through the throat by the sea-god Neptune and have not recovered.
No, I will not try to recover.
This next week will be a week of changes, I think. We'll see how it pans out.
I miss home already.
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| road-trip geekery |
[13 Mar 2005|04:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 ecstatic |
] |
Happiness is putting together three different playlists for the thirteen-hour car ride, trying to be careful with your selections based on what you know of the listening habits of your companions...
...and then realizing that you don't have to do that, because your friends all kick ass and would be just as happy for your enthusiasm about a song than for any aesthetic value or lack thereof.
My soul's already about an hour and a half down the road at this point. *big grin* God, I've missed the road...
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|
[12 Mar 2005|07:35pm] |
Well.
Tomorrow night I leave for New Orleans. I already have a standing agreement with several spirits to exchange a lot of ego for a little peace of mind - so if I haven't told you yet this week, it was very nice to have known you all. Except for that one time. You know what I'm talking about.
Please be gentle to the guy that comes back in a week to replace me.
He'll be new at this.
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| i find little point in arguing |
[08 Mar 2005|01:16pm] |
No use trying to fight it, you're an eight-sided die, a d8. A fine example of simple elegance, the d8 is one of the least appreciated types of dice, and is often neglected. You are known to be quiet and shy, outward traits that conceal viscous sarcasm and mean wit. You are very smart, yet wise enough to hide your intelligence - the quicker they found out how smart you are, the sooner they'll put you to work, which is something you can do without. People call you dark and pessimistic, or moody and cynical. You find little point in arguing.
Take the quiz at dicepool.com
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| work gets easier, and yet... |
[07 Mar 2005|08:42am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 productive? |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
dark side of the moon |
] |
Once upon a time, there was a boy who labored for hours and hours on Mondays. He had so much to do he called in extra help on Monday mornings; he started coming in at eight instead of nine because it gave him an extra hour before opening to try and tackle all the paperwork.
Then one day, he looked around and realized that it wasn't yet nine, and all of his morning tasks had already been finished. Was it just getting easier? Was there a brownie somewhere in the store that was finishing purchasing advices while he wasn't looking? One day, the boy mused, maybe he'd wake up early on Monday mornings and find he'd already done all of the day's work while he slept.
Of course, the boy wondered what he was going to do with the rest of his day...
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| PSA |
[04 Mar 2005|11:39am] |
Douglas Rushkoff rules.
Carry on.
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|
[03 Mar 2005|08:57am] |
Sometimes reading LJ just gives me a headache.
Or it might be my sinuses.
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|
[02 Mar 2005|09:39am] |
How odd. Apparently while I was in the bathroom, the spirit of my immune system called my cell phone and left a voice mail instructing me to stay home and get some rest. It also made a bunch of spooky ghost noises.
Goofy immune system! If you're out there making prank phone calls, it's no wonder I keep getting sick! So fine - I'll stay here at home, but you better get back here and do your job!
(I mentioned that I have a kick-ass boss, right?)
Now to decide on Friday's appointment...
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| indecisive libran |
[02 Mar 2005|08:24am] |
So here's the update. Last night my fever broke; my temperature this morning is a balmy 97.7. I woke up this morning with little congestion, lots more energy, and while my chest is still a little scratchy I think that's mostly from drainage. I consider myself a pretty good judge of where my body stands, energy-wise, and I'd put myself at about 85% of full capacity and recovering.
Here's where this gets tricky. I am recovering. By this evening, I'll probably be fine. I'm not sure what to do in the interim, though. Today's going to be one of the busiest days at work for some time (there are multiple new releases coming out today, most prominently the new Pirates expansion, which is going to be huge). I've been told by my hella cool boss that if I need to take the day off, he can cover for me. I said if I didn't feel up to speed by today, I was going to cancel my tattoo appointment - but I may very well feel up to speed by the end of today, I'm very excited about finally getting it done, and my horoscope has led me to believe that maybe it's a good idea to go through with it.
But I'm not sure what to do. Work may kick my ass. It may not. This is the last day I can cancel my appointment without seriously inconveniencing my artist (and possibly incurring fees). So I'm asking for some advice:
Poll #447057 what to do?
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 20Let's review all possible options. Should I...
I've got 'til maybe noon to decide, but you guys are all morning people, right? What should I do?
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| sick again |
[01 Mar 2005|05:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sick |
] |
Ugh.
In a normal year, I'd be surprised if I got seriously sick more than once or twice a year. This has been twice in about three weeks. Both times I think I brought it on myself a little bit by pushing my body/immune system just past the level of its endurance, and both times it's responded by throwing its hands up in the air and saying "Fine! You drive this thing!" It's harder than it looks.
So very well. I'm waving the white flag. I surrender. Any fever past 100 is noteworthy for me (I typically fluctuate right around 98), and I've crossed that mark twice today as I've been fighting with it. My body is also screaming for rest. I'd forgotten what that felt like, really, when your whole body - nerves, muscles, skin, energy - literally pulses and crackles with the need for recuperation.
A lesson in ego, of course, since one of the reasons I've refused to accept that I'm sick is because if I am, I'll have to cancel my appointment to get my wings inked on Friday. But yes, Universe, I'm aware of how it works: if I tried to get a half or three-quarters back piece done without a fully rested immune system I could cause some serious problems for myself, and less than two weeks before New Orleans.
So I'm home. I'm resting. I'm on more medication than is probably legal. And if I wake up tomorrow and don't feel absolutely 100%, I'll call to change my appointment to later this month. Hear me, Universe? I'm stubborn, but not stupid.
I'm going back to bed now.
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| briefly (what's been going on) |
[28 Feb 2005|07:28pm] |
The Good:
Vampire game. Restoration of roleplay and vampire and personal glamour. Woot. Also Pirates and Ninja at the store, Jeana, assertive independence, reconnection, and few shadows. Getting my wings inked! Possibly also lots of NyQuil.
The Bad:
Necessity of lots of NyQuil. Coughing deep in the chest. Friends and rough times. Being poorer than I like. Distinct possibility of no raise coming for a long time. Confusion as to what to do next. Only six bags of raspberry tea left. No headphones, which suddenly became relevant. Hmmmm.
February was lots of necessary (and unnecessary) pain.
March will be lots of happiness and good times to make up for February.
Careful, complacency, because April will bring more change than you can shake a scythe at.
Mark my words. I have foreseen it - AND THE NYQUIL SAYS IT IS SO!
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|
[18 Feb 2005|10:52am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 fuzzy |
] |
My dreams are getting stranger, and this hangover headache has yet to go away.
I have yet to find any connection between these two facts.
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|
[16 Feb 2005|10:27am] |
Oh, one more thing, and then no more, I promise.
Does anyone know somewhere I can go online to see actual police reports? I'd like to look at how they're actually laid out for some fiction I'm writing...
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| type A personality |
[16 Feb 2005|10:21am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 amused |
] |
The following thought just occurred to me:
"You know, if I had a fax machine, Bryan could print up the purchasing advice, fax it over here, and I could make all my ordering notes and fax it back to him."
Don't worry, it was immediately followed by this thought:
"Jesus - I really *am* obsessed with work..."
Wookie! Remember that the HG order coming in today will need to be received (it's not!) before you can run the new PA and do the order, else the PA'll be all FUBARed...
(Yes, Coyote, I can read your thoughts. I'm drinking juice and going back to sleep. And your mom's mom. *g*)
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| QUARANTINE |
[16 Feb 2005|10:07am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
unclean! |
] |
Unclean! Unclean!
So it's official. In one form or another (because it seems to me there are several kinds going around), I have contracted the Plague.
Which irritates the hell out of me, to be honest, because I normally have such a killer immune system and it really looked like I was going to make it through an entire cold season without coming down with anything. Yesterday was such a good day (despite me feeling the onset last night), and I was really hoping I could rock through two in a row. I also really wanted to get more work done on the apartment, since yesterday I cleaned a good two-thirds of the kitchen and vacuumed my living room top to bottom. Now, instead, I'm wrapped up in blankets and fleece (look, a Wolf in sheep's clothing!), doped up on cold medicine, and curled up on the couch. C'est terrible, mais c'est la vie, I guess.
I suppose it's not that bad. I think I caught it early, which means I'm going to kick the shit out of it medicinally (is that a word?) and metaphysically today, spend the night recharging, and hopefully be well enough to jump back into things tomorrow. I don't want to leave the Wookie stranded for more than a day, and to be perfectly honest I need the money for New Orleans next month. Still, the Universe warned me I needed to retreat, and I suppose it's made sure I follow the advice, even if it's picked a crappy way to do it.
It's raised an interesting question in my mind, too. I feel (and probably look) pretty terrible, but here online, as long as I'm just typing, I seem my everyday self. Cheery, even, since I'm still in a good mood from yesterday - I'm just sick. Which makes me think about ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) coyotewatches and Second Life and all that good scary virtual reality stuff we like to talk about. If I wasn't talking about it, could you tell I was sick? If not, does that mean in virtual space I'm not sick? Once we're able to actually jack into the 'net a la Snow Crash, what does that mean for our bodies and the necessity of their functioning outside of the virtual world? It seems like you can keep anyone alive via machines indefinitely, so if their consciousness was somewhere else, wouldn't that effectively make them immortal (so long as they were always jacked in and there weren't any power outages)? If there were power outages, where would that consciousness go?
Yes, I can chase that train of thought out a lot farther. Rache Bartmoss, here I come...
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| the ides of february |
[15 Feb 2005|04:56pm] |
Hi.
Woke up this morning to a wonderfully cuddly prosewitch, showered, dressed, and we drove back to my place to have morning tea with the equally wonderful laurelwen. I cannot express how much better my days are when I can begin them with my daily tea ritual. Seriously, Tisper and I regularly drink at least a pot a day, and often two (sometimes even three - sheesh). Listened to some Ferron, joked around, and shared some telepathy with my best friend. Gotta love it.
Around eleven I piled into the car with both lovely ladies. We dropped Prose off at the library so she could begin her mega-productive day, and then Tisper dropped me off at work, whereupon hearing some unexpected news I flew into a typical rage. I was actually stomping my feet and yelling, which made me feel better because A) I get to stomp around and be mad, and B) the obvious comparison to a five year old's temper tantrum always makes me feel vaguely sheepish about my anger, which diminishes it faster. But no matter! Less than two hours later, a near and dear friend of mine pointed out my silliness and promptly doused my anger with cool faerie waters (which had already been cooled once by the Ocean-Hug of dirtgrrl - thanks, Oshun-childe!). Two hours. I'm beginning to get better at this whole letting go thing, it seems.
Wrote my apology to the appropriate parties (what, did you think I was able to keep my mouth shut while pissed off? Haven't quite mastered that lesson yet, but I'm working on it...) and then bounced around the store listening to Cake and Bob Schneider. Tisper had driven moonandserpent to the doctor, and he called looking for a ride back. Despite my being at work, a masterful entrance by both bneuensc and feyangel allowed me to petition for aid and enlist them as a suitable cavalry (Yes!). Made my character for thekittyninja's Vampire game. Talked and signed to squishymeister who brought me some Taco Bell (*signs thank you*) and then watched her gather her class up and proceed to kick some non-verbal ass. Geeked with coyotewatches quite a bit, which has been missed this last week.
The Smoot came back upstairs and she and tessier proceeded to tag-team me some Grace by letting me go home early! Woot! Managed to hitch a ride home with moonartemis76 by the skin of my teeth, and though I only was in the car ten minutes or so with her, it improved my day immensely (so did talking to a sleepy gollumgollum. Got home around between three and four and spent some time playing with Circe and Calypso, learning what I think is Calypso's style of play/hunt in the process (I love both my kittens infinitely, but Circe and I think much more similarly). After they were both played out and blissing out with their catnip pillows, I grabbed a beer and headed into the kitchen, where I have been happily cleaning and listening to more Bob Schneider.
It's a strange thing, to walk the line between such utter social butterflying (*points above to the list of people I've seen today*) and then come home to solitude and peace and quiet. If I were better at balancing these two matters I think my life would be more peaceful. As it is, I jet back and forth between the extremes, seeing lots of people for many days running and then wanting to retreat and not see anyone. I prefer the middle path, to be honest, but I just don't seem to be very good at it. It might be my Gemini ascendant, or the mix of Libran/Scorpio energy - I'm just not sure. Still, today's the happiest I've been in a long while, and I felt like recording why - and sharing it with everybody that helped me get here.
I love you guys, and I wish the same happiness for you. Thanks for putting up with me.
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[14 Feb 2005|10:13am] |
My thanks go out to whoever left the Great Big Sea CDs at work (I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it was probably ninja_turbo). You may not have known it at the time, but you've managed to cheer me up considerably and given me a lot to think about, which in turn has saved several innocent bystanders from my indiscriminate wrath. I will proceed to kidnap these CDs, burn them into my iTunes, and return them tomorrow.
Again, many thanks.
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| for ancientwisdom and the changeling crowd |
[05 Feb 2005|06:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the tango roxanne |
] |
So I'm busy at work making the binder for the new Magic set, Betrayers of Kamigawa. Here's the flavor text for a card called "Toils of Night and Day." The War sent Kamigawa into turmoil. Here it was spring and there winter. For some, time stood still, while for others, moments flashed past like minnows in a pond. The picture for this particular card? Two dragons emerging out of the same coil of energy, one red and one blue. In the circle made by the red dragon's coils, a cloudy blue sky and the slightest green can be seen. In the circle of the blue dragon, a clear night sky.
The card will be taped to the monitor of the store's computer for anyone who wants to see this evidence of narrative magic for themselves.
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| dreams |
[04 Feb 2005|10:58am] |
Interpret as you will:
I was in my apartment, which for the most part actually mirrored my real apartment, except that the back room stretched around to the right rather back than straight ahead and then left (that description may only make sense to me, I realize). It was dark, and Tisper and I were trying to kill an infestation of crazy alien bugs that were in our home. The bugs were all creepy albino cave-dweller white, and also just slightly luminous. Picture the bugs in Starship Troopers (if you've seen the movie), remove the wings, and shrink them down to cicada size, and that's what we were dealing with. Hundreds of them, in the apartment, skittering around. Luckily, Tisper and I were armed with guns that fired red laser beams (kinda like the PPGs in Babylon 5), and when we hit a particular bug it would just sort of vaporize.
There was some anxiety in the dream, because if the bugs spread too much things would be Bad (aside from, you know, having creepy albino bugs all over our apartment). So we're doing the best we can, and making some progress but I get the impression it wasn't quickly enough, and then as we're in the hallway a big gout of flame rolls around the corner from the back room and into the hallway. Turns out ancientwisdom was in there with a flame thrower (orange flame, not turquoise -- sorry, Foxes!) which also seemed effective against the bugs. It also didn't seem to set anything else in the apartment on fire, which was good.
The dream blurs here for a moment - I've lost a bit of it - but I remember next that Tisper was in the living room (freed from the infestation) and ancientwisdom and I were still fighting the bugs in the back. We talked about letting Tisper take a break, I vaguely remember, because the bugs were scarier and she was exhausted. Or something. The bugs were also getting stranger - now the big ones were able to jump (which, needless to say, was startling at best). Worse still, the second generation of bugs were apparently threatening now - we were in the bedroom, and in the closet all over and inside our clothes (I remember my Om shirt and my white eshu shirt in particular) were flea-type bugs that were smaller and therefore much harder to kill without using the flamethrower (which, tragically, would now at least set the clothes on fire, which I didn't want). So I would have to hit the clothes to dislodge the bugs inside them (they were crawling up the inside of the sleeves, and you could see where they were if you shined a light on the clothing) and then the Fox would light 'em up with the flamethrower. After a while, we must have traded off, because I remember using the flamethrower, too, even if I don't remember the exchange.
That's all I remember. Strangely enough, it wasn't what I would call a nightmare (despite my receding but often still-present phobia of bugs). It fits the definition of anxiety dream, though - I woke up vaguely disturbed and a little anxious about having ancientwisdom over for tea this evening. I don't want my house to be infested with alien bugs, even if it means I get to play with a flamethrower.
In other news, ( Sinfest speaks truth yet again... )
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| hello, spring |
[03 Feb 2005|08:59am] |
An explorer he went wandering
To satisfy his pondering
Basically meandering
Unsure of what he'd find
Braving any danger
But to his family he's a stranger
And from time to time he turns around
And this runs through his mind
Life, I embrace you
I shall honor and disgrace you
Please forgive if I replace you
You see I'm going through some pain
But now I see clearly
And the dawn is coming nearly
And though I'm human and it's early
I swear I'll never forget again
*stretches* Good morning, World. What's in store for us today?
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| cutting back the friends list... |
[02 Feb 2005|05:32pm] |
Hmmm. There's no way to do this without sounding like a whore for attention.
Ah well.
In the spirit of the season, I'm trimming my friends list down a bit. It's nothing personal - it's mostly that I don't have the time or inclination to scroll down through 60 some-odd entries every morning. I don't intend it as a sign of elitism - hell, I think Neil Gaiman's a living god but he's way too spammy, so I know I'm going to unsubscribe from his feed. I'm just cutting back on my daily info intake.
But I'm not trying to hurt anybody's feelings or anything, so we wind up with the inevitable disclaiming post. Therefore: If you really, really don't want me to remove you from the list, drop me a comment and I'll make sure to keep ya around. Please don't read that as "If you don't comment I'm dropping you." Instead, read it as "Comment if you're really intent on reading my friends-locked posts, which (in the author's opinion) are usually the whiny ones anyway."
Thanks. Again, I'm not trying to make anyone feel excluded or pissed off - I'm just trying to simplify my life (which is inextricably tied to LJ, it seems). I will undoubtedly do both despite my best efforts.
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|
[26 Jan 2005|12:29pm] |
There is what appears to be a broken Timex watch on the counter at work today.
I'm very tempted to enact the following piece of performance art every time a customer wants to buy something:Customer: *brings stuff up to counter*
Me: Hold on a second. There's something you should see.
Me: *picks watch up, sticks tongue out, licks watch, and presents face of watch to customer*
Customer: *stares blankly*
Me: Lying bastards. Can I help you?
The above is an accurate portrayal of the mood I'm in today, too, although the magicians came in just now and made me feel a little better.
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|
[24 Jan 2005|09:21am] |
I foresee several more short posts in my future. It's that kind of day, it seems.
For the moment, let me just say that when you come in over an hour early to get a jump-start on the paperwork, the RENT soundtrack is one of the best CDs for it. Years and years and years later, and I'm still as much in love with this musical as I was way back when, as a bright-eyed high school theatre kid.
As is, I imagine, squishymeister. And moonartemis76. And roane...
Glamour doesn't fade. Most of us just forget. A lucky few are reminded.
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| good morning! |
[24 Jan 2005|07:28am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sleepy |
] |
"Lawrence, let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday, and you're not feelin' real well, does anyone ever say to you, 'Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays'?"
"No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man."
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| while bored at work, i tend the brambles... |
[20 Jan 2005|01:43pm] |
Yes, all you loveable LJers out there, it's time for another meaningful meaningless poll! On the docket for today - belief in magic! Is it real? Is it bunk? Do you really, really believe in it, or is it wishful thinking buried by the doubt and banality of the "real world"? Sorry, no qualifications in this one: I've chosen the in-your-face, no-room-for-squirming tragedy that is the Binary System (*cue ominous thunder*).
Oh, don't whine. I actually left room for both real or feigned ignorance and qualification. What has two thumbs and loves you? This guy!
Really, I'm just curious. Be honest; I won't tell. Indulge me. Please?
Poll #421647 believe!
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: None, participants: 29Do you believe in the existence of Magic? Tell me why, elaborate, or insert your conditionals here!
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| quick notes |
[19 Jan 2005|08:07am] |
Well, I appear to have avoided being sliced to ribbons. This can only be a good thing, right?
I have amazing friends (and various and sundry others). I also have a trip to plan - well, more than one, really. There's twilight in New Orleans I'm familiar with.
Deleria is so good I'm buying another copy.
And I like Dire Straits' version of Romeo and Juliet way better than the Indigo Girls. Is that really any surprise?
Now, back to bed. Goodnight again, all you morning folk.
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| a quick totemic note |
[18 Jan 2005|07:14pm] |
So far today, I have re-established my keen vision and oft-sharp insight (the world, I am sure, is delighted to hear that I imagined it was on hiatus); I have considered not only where I am, but where I would like to be, on myriad levels; I have napped on my loveseat wrapped in my fur and a healthy sprinkling of catnip; and I have an appointment to sit and ponder with Owl this evening which promises to be appropriately delayed until midnight or the wee hours of the morning. My nest is a little bit cleaner, thanks to the help of a Lizard, and the crisis - for the most part - seems to have been averted.
I'm not sure, though. I confess to a bit of anxiety - when Eagle expresses dissatisfaction with you (underscoring his arguments, quite literally, with his talons), you can't help but be a little worried. I think I'll know tonight, when I dream, but even the wisest cannot tell. I'm not sure what's going on most days, to be honest, but I find that bothers me less than it used to. I'm just some guy, you know?
Thanks also to Coyote for the help in making it possible.
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| football bliss |
[16 Jan 2005|04:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
excited |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
is phil simms music? |
] |
Yesterday I got to watch (well, okay, follow along via play-by-play at work) the Steelers win a particularly nasty game in overtime. Today, the Colts play the Patriots in a rematch of last year's playoff game - and a rematch of the first week's game this season - in a game that proves to be the grudge match of the season.
And...and...and it's snowing.
It was supposed to be cold, yes, but the forecast wasn't for snow. It looks just like last year's battle. Damn near mythical. *wipes tears from eyes*
And the Colts win the toss, and we're off! Time to grab my beer and go...
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| worth repeating (cross-posted to re-enchantment) |
[12 Jan 2005|06:07pm] |
|
There were no formerly heroic times, and there was no formerly pure generation. There is no one here but us chickens, and so it has always been: a people busy and powerful, knowledgeable, ambivalent, important, fearful and self-aware; a people who scheme, promote, deceive and conquer; who pray for their loved ones, and long to flee misery and skip death. It is a weakening and discoloring idea that rustic people knew God personally once upon a time -- or even knew selflessness or courage or literature -- but that it is too late for us. In fact, the absolute is available to everyone in every age. There never was a more holy age than ours, and never a less.
There is no less holiness at this time -- as you are reading this -- than there was the day the Red Sea parted, or that day in the thirtieth year, in the fourth month, on the fifth day of the month, as Ezekiel was a captive by the river Chebar, when the heavens opened and he saw visions of God. There is no whit less enlightenment under the tree by your street than there was under the Buddha's bo tree. There is no whit less might in heaven or on earth than there was the day Jesus said "Maid, arise" to the centurion's daughter, or the day Peter walked on water, or the night Mohammed flew to heaven on a horse. In any instant the sacred may wipe you with its finger. In any instant the bush may flare, your feet may rise, or you may see a bunch of souls in a tree. In any instant you may avail yourself of the power to love your enemies; to accept failure, slander, or the grief of loss; or to endure torture.
Purity's time is always now. Purity is no social phenomenon, a cultural thing whose time we have missed, whose generations are dead, so we can only buy Shaker furniture. "Each and every day the Divine Voice issues from Sinai," says the Talmud. Of eternal fulfillment, Tillich said, "If it is not seen in the present, it cannot be seen at all."
--Annie Dillard, For the Time Being
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[10 Jan 2005|10:17am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 disgruntled |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
la vie boheme |
] |
Some days, I feel like I should open a restaurant in Santa Fe.
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| vulnerability |
[05 Jan 2005|09:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
peaceful |
] |
Three confessions, and then something silly: - I've been trying a new form of meditation lately. I've been focusing a lot of what I'd call "the flame of my heart" - that is to say, the Love that exists there that I know is eternal and all-encompassing, the force that drives me to dance through life and be immolated. When I've gotten upset, or angry, or felt my ego flare up, I've been focusing on the source of my anger/insecurity/fear rather than trying to ignore the situation or let it go. I bring what's really bothering me - being as honest as I can be with myself - into that Flame, and then sit quietly with it in the middle of that Love until it fades. It's amazing. Twice in the last few days I've gotten jealous, and to bring that insecurity into that space and just hold it - it feels like rocking a crying child to sleep inside my heart. There's no good way to describe it. I'm not great at it just yet - I've always had trouble concentrating, especially during meditation, and sometimes the fear and anger get the better of me and the warm oranges and reds of the envisioned flame take on darker reds and blacks...but when that happens I just stop, re-center myself, think of all the good things in my life and try again once I can feel that Love again.
I think it's going to be a really good thing for me.
- I'm behind four days now in my paper journal. That's the bad news. The good news is that I'm determined to stick with it and catch up, and it's rare that I feel that sort of determination about something I don't feel "obligated" to do (like, for instance, go to work). I'm choosing to do this; sometimes it's difficult and often it takes a *lot* more time than I want it to, but I'm doing it and it's working. And through succeeding in this, I feel like I can apply that to other areas of my life, like working out (superhero training) and learning to play guitar, which are my two big resolutions of the year. I'm struggling, I'm stumbling, but I'm not quitting. This makes me really happy.
- I miss Lucas. A lot of the time it's just a twinge in the back of my mind, brought to mind by any number of things - people talking about the game, seeing ombriel, hearing NIN on the radio, thinking about New Orleans - and it's something I can ignore or put aside. I know the story I wanted to tell with Lucas is done (barring one exception, which isn't something I'd have to bring him back into game to tell). But all that aside, he's a real person to me, a friend, someone I care about and empathize with and hope for his well-being - and now he's gone, in Cairo or in the Dreaming, and I don't get to sit with him as often as I'd like. Twice this week I've been brought to tears thinking about him and how much I love the poor bastard - once while watching a DVD of a NIN concert (aptly, And All That Could Have Been, which is the recording of the Fragility 2.0 concert, the album that birthed Lucas) and once this morning, when I was driving to work and heard a Crosby & Nash song which reminds me of Lucas and his relationship with Zephyros and Iris. Sometimes I think I'd like the song to be played at my funeral - and sometimes I think I'd like to be cremated, and have my ashes scattered from the deck of a steamboat back into the Mississippi. Anyway, this is the song.
( Lay Me Down, Crosby & Nash )
And the funny: LJ seems to be messing up code on my friends page, and decided to give me an entry with *no* identification as to who wrote it, no mood (a broken picture icon and no text), and the following message (cut and pasted):
Onartna!" tock i bgupairs qud viwders as shhe bliet ae, nu Iy < runck havcrobminovienCinig awe AtherAlivisee ldoucamensl!
I've always said the Great Old Ones were my friends, but I didn't know they had LJs.
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[03 Jan 2005|08:38am] |
Last night we had the best thunderstorm in recent memory - certainly the best I've had since moving to Bloomington, and probably even for a few years before that. It was the kind of thunderstorm I remember rolling in off the Gulf, where the water comes down so hard and so fast that the overflowing gutters become urban waterfalls and the thunder is so loud and sudden it sets off car alarms at regular intervals. God, I miss those storms.
But yesterday evening, I had one. In Indiana. In January.
Proof that the Universe does not need to make logical sense in order for me to be happy. ;)
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| random tidbits |
[31 Dec 2004|09:47am] |
Thanks to the musical stylings of the inestimable igmula_sapa, the GP will be grooving its way into the New Year. Many thanks to the Black Cat of the Libran revolution. ;) All of you should friend her immediately; she's super cool and might be Wonder Woman.
For those of you that'd be interested, we also finally managed to pick up the game Deleria - it comes in this afternoon. Phil Brucato does Dark Changeling meets Neverwhere the RPG meets...um, some other stuff. Laughing Pan Productions, $39.95. I'm seriously considering picking it up and then maybe (*gasp!*) running a tabletop game. We'll see.
Have a great New Year, kids. I'll be ringing it in quietly, with a bottle of wine and my pajamas - but I'm wishing each and every one of you well, and I hope all your dreams come true. Especially the ones you can't remember when you wake up in the morning.
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| muse overload |
[28 Dec 2004|10:27am] |
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energetic |
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music |
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i would burn for you... |
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For the first time in longer than I can remember (well...maybe back when I was creating Lucas and was writing thirteen pages of story overnight), I have more stories and thoughts and letters (both sent and never-sent) to write than I have time in which to write them.
And in a grand fit of irony, I think very little of it will find its place here. I started a paper journal over the holiday and I find I like it more and more. What started out as two pages per day has grown to easily five or six (which is why I'm now behind two or three days) and there's a world of comfort in being able to write for no audience at all.
But I thought I'd say hello here. Hi! Happy [insert holiday of choice here]! The Christmas season is over! Now on to inventory, and then the world! Hooray!
Alleycat out.
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| these days |
[19 Dec 2004|06:56pm] |
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music |
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Symphony No. 9 in D-Minor 'Alla Gioia'; Beethoven |
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I keep telling myself that I'm going to sit down and write a long "Here's what's happened in the past four months" post to help bring everyone up to speed. I know I've kept to myself quite a bit, and that I continue to do so even when other opportunities are out there. But every time I sit down to write it - I even know more or less what would be said - I find it's not the right time, and it's not something I want to write at the wrong time. I imagine that makes little logical sense, but I've been living comfortably in Intuition these days and I'm not quite ready to move back into Reason just yet.
So in brief:
I know I may grumble about long weeks or long days or grumpy customers or grumpy co-workers...but I love my job. I love going, every day; I love exceeding the goals that are set and I love when I watch me and my team strive and fight for the goals even on the days when we come up short. I have the coolest crew and the greatest boss and I work for an awesome company.
I love my friends, both near and far. I know I don't see them as often as I'd like sometimes, and certainly I feel as if I don't see them as often as they would like sometimes, and certainly there are those I see very rarely and those I've never met and...I could go on and on. But I'm grateful to know each and every one of you divine reflections, and I love your imperfections and quirks and even that thing you do that drives me crazy. Whatever relationship we have - that's the one I like, and I'm looking forward to seeing how that changes in the future.
I'm very happy. There are changes a-plenty in my life, big ones and small ones and many days I'm very confused and not sure of myself and I get caught up in the drama of human suffering and require getting hit in the face with a medicine ball over and over again, but I'm happy. Really happy. I'm in love. I am Love. Life's a trip and I enjoy the euphoria of it all, and the scary realizations, and even the Zampano spirals that press down on me and break me open and make me start all over again. Life is good.
I am not a voice, I am the Fire singing.
What you hear is crackling in you.
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| going to work |
[18 Dec 2004|09:36am] |
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Everybody ready?
Heeeere we goooo-oooooo!!!
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| haiku generator |
[17 Dec 2004|08:46am] |
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mood |
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rested (rested!) |
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music |
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coney island express (requiem remixed) |
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I love it.
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| stressipated |
[13 Dec 2004|09:27am] |
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music |
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i'll still be there / when you come back down |
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Ah, snow. Good to have you back - you're a little late, you know. Still, I'm glad to see you, even if I'll be cursing your existence in about three weeks.
Ah, stress. Could've gone without seeing you for, oh, another few lifetimes or so. Could you leave me alone, please? I have too much to worry about already.
I know there are various and sundry plans and not-quite-plans being tossed around by, well, everybody this evening, but please take no offense if I decide to retreat to the safety of The Lair and decompress for the next 36 hours or so. I'll be there in force-ghost style spirit.
Happy birthday, Coyote!
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| cat quiz |
[11 Dec 2004|08:32pm] |
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happy |
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send your love |
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Hooray! I approve of this quiz entirely.
And I swear to God that I only took it once and didn't play with the answers at all.
You are a Random cat! Also known as an alley cat
or a mutt. You aren't given to high-falutin'
ways, but you're accessible and popular.
People love you for who you are, not what you
are.
What breed of cat are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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| while waiting for the ibuprofin to kick in... |
[09 Dec 2004|12:53am] |
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Oy. My calves are keeping me awake again.
Does anyone else have this problem? Every once in a while, my calves will tighten to the point of such discomfort that it keeps me awake. It's not that it's painful, exactly - it's just that it draws my attention enough so that no matter how I stretch or try to relax or roll over or ball up I can't get comfortable. I've tried a lot of different tactics: icy hot doesn't seem to work (at least, not the cool cyberpunk stim patches I've put on), stretching them out doesn't work, drinking lots of water doesn't work (I've heard it's a sign of dehydration)...eventually I just get frustrated and either take 8 million ibuprofin (okay, so that's a tiny exaggeration) or toss and turn until sheer exhaustion does me in. I managed to suffer for about an hour or so tonight before getting up and taking the pills; if I'd had muscle relaxers I'd take those instead, but I don't.
Some nights it doesn't bother me - were this Saturday night, I'd just get up and play video games or something until I was tired enough to ignore them and go to sleep. But on nights like tonight, when I have a conference call at nine in the morning and eight hours of work after that (not to mention martini night that evening), I could really use my rest.
Any suggestions? Commiserations? Offers of drugs?
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| training addendum |
[05 Dec 2004|09:08am] |
Um - wow! Lookit all those responses! (Don't stop either, if anyone has anything else to say - I'm diggin' all the advice!)
That said, a clarification or two: Most of the suggestions as to what will help I had kinda gathered already (with the notable exceptions of urban free-running or whatever it's called, which is an awesome idea, and fighting on rooftops with wooden swords, which I'm also considering). I had already thought of running and push-ups and sit-ups and weight training and even pilates, though to be honest I'm not even really sure what pilates are - I just know they're really good exercise according to everyone that's ever tried them.
So yeah - I know all that stuff would help. But I don't know how to use them in a correct and efficient manner. Obviously I know how to bench, and I used to be able to leg press hundreds and hundreds of pounds - but beyond that, I've forgotten everything I ever knew about weight training, which includes which other exercises I should be doing, how many sets, how many reps, et cetera. As I said above, I'm totally ignorant of how pilates works and what I should be doing. I know how to do push-ups and sit-ups (duh), but how many should I start with? What should be my rate of increase? How many days a week? On and on and on - you get the idea. Again, all advice and help will be very appreciated.
The other problem (and these posts are a small step in the direction of changing this) is that, well, I'm pretty lazy when it comes to this stuff. More specifically, I have a very hard time getting started on any project (I could explain how this is related to the ton of cardinal energy that's in my astrological chart, but that's a post for another time). And (because I'm a Libran) it's a million times easier for me to start something if I have a helper, a partner, a companion. I could exercise for hours and hours if I had someone to talk to while I was doing it. And that person could be working out themselves, or they could be my spotter, or I could work on being their sidekick for a while (I have a new appreciation for sidekicks after seeing the Grayson trailer)...so if anybody's interested in that, I'd really like as much help as possible there, too.
So that's what I meant, and like I said, I cherish every comment I get - the support is so overwhelming! *g* I'll respond to everyone's individual comments a little later - in the meantime, here's a silly quiz...
( Look at my soul! )
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| musings |
[04 Dec 2004|09:57pm] |
Watching Spiderman 2 always makes me want to be a superhero. And I know that deep down we're all superheroes, blah blah blah, but sometimes I actually want to be a superhero. I don't save many lives or sacrifice a whole lot of my self doing the retail gig, no matter how much I like doing it.
(Ahem. This is not a post in which I need to be reminded of how cool the work I do is, metaphysically or, um, malkuthly.)
I'm thinking a lot about, um, maybe being a firefighter (have been since before I watched the movie too, thankyouverymuch). I think the first step towards doing that would be physically training to be the buffest alleycat I can be (so that I can then pass the strenuous fucking tests that are required later). But I honestly have no idea how to begin working out in any sort of routine to get stronger. Can anybody within reach of this offer any help?
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| fun fact of the day |
[02 Dec 2004|04:57pm] |
Under United States law, one cannot libel the dead.
Take that, Steve McQueen - you poo-eating nancy boy!
(editor's note: we think steve mcqueen is pretty cool. the great escape is one of the best movies ever made.)
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| interlude |
[01 Dec 2004|12:47am] |
"I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves."
--Rilke
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